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archives
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Sunday, March 20, 2011
10:53 PM "first, homosexuality is not a lifestyle. it's who i happen to be. second, i didn't choose to be attracted to women. i just am. did you make a choice to be attracted to women? was it during puberty? when you graduated from high school? was it a question on the SATs? no. homosexuality isn't a choice any more than heterosexuality is. and i know this because why on earth would anyone choose to be gay? why would i want to put myself through all the bullying and name-calling and physical abuse i've faced? why would i want to constantly be looked down at and stereotyped by people like you? why would i willingly pick a lifestyle, as you call it, that's such an uphill battle?" - Vanessa (Sing You Home by Jodi Picoult) Saturday, February 19, 2011
11:56 PM you. treat my words like the wind. you. treat me like your alarm clock. you. take me for granted. you. force me to be worried about you then brush it off like it's nothing. you. scold me in your blog and all because i cared about you. you. put yourself into situations that make my heart ache for you. you. make use of me and don't think i don't know it. you. who i treat like a little sister. you. whom i'm beginning to hate. you. who i actually had feelings for the last time. [ridiculous] you. better start realizing what you're doing to yourself. because. i'm starting to stop caring. because. it's a waste of my time. because. it's a waste of my energy. because. i'm not her. you. don't know what your actions mean to me. but. i don't care anymore :) Friday, January 28, 2011
12:10 AM i'm sorry. [ if by some off chance you ever do see this, i still hope we can be friends ] Saturday, January 15, 2011
2:25 AM Question: why are you so crazy over SNSD ?!! Answer: because. there's nobody to replace that hole in my heart. that hole that's been getting bigger with each one. stupid right? spending so much money on a group of girls who don't even exist in my world. haha. so laughable samantha. so pathetic. but at least i have something to look forward to everyday. for now. humour me people :) do you know that whenever i see your name pop up on my facebook page, my heart STILL skips a beat ? wow .. to think that you still had that kind of effect on me. i really thought i was over you. ever since i found the nine of them. but. maybe not yet. but i will. after all. this isn't my first time. but i sure as hell hope it's the last -_- scared. afraid. that's what i am. i don't want my heart torn into pieces again. gets harder to let go each time. because i'm putting in more effort, time, money and feelings with each one. maybe i'll just chase them till i'm old. at least they won't let me down. at least they won't disappoint me. at least they won't play with my heart. but alas they're just NOT REAL. Friday, December 24, 2010
2:42 PM it's Christmas tmr. 19 years of spending it with my family. only 1 year where i spent it with someone "special". this year's no difference. i had hoped it would be. but. it's just another Christmas, just another year. will it ever be different again i wonder. i know. "there's someone out there for me." that's what everyone says. that's what i want to believe. but. maybe i'm just a big coward inside. after 4 times of failing. i'm afraid of falling again. too broken to be considered whole. that's what i am. well that's that. my few minutes of depression. haha. no more :) [ it's my mistake ] Sunday, November 07, 2010
1:44 AM FCUK THIS. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M STILL BOTHERED ABOUT YOU. I LET YOU GO. I LET EVERYTHING GO. BUT WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU STILL COME BACK AND DO THIS TO ME ?! I KNOW I'VE GIVEN UP. I KNOW I HAVE NO CHANCE. BUT WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DO YOU STILL AFFECT ME SO ?! WHY DOES YOUR MSG MEAN SO MUCH TO ME ?! WHY DO I ACTUALLY FEEL HAPPY WHEN I SEE YOUR MSG ?! WHY DO I STILL WANT TO SEE YOU ?! WHY DO I DREAM OF YOU ?!!! I THOUGHT I'D SHUT YOU OUT OF MY HEART, OUT OF MY LIFE, OUT OF MY SOUL. apparently not. i'm now even further behind than i thought. this sucks. i wanna run FAR FAR FAR FAR away from you. I WANT THE OLD ME BACK !! I'LL GET THROUGH THIS. JUST WATCH ME. Wednesday, October 13, 2010
2:34 AM it's 2.35 am. it's been nearly three months. and i'm still here. thinking. waiting. hoping. i know. i'm just being an idiot. a big, fat idiot. you've made it crystal clear to me. and yet here i am. unable to move on or go back. i'm angry at myself. angry for not being able to move on. angry for not being able to stop caring. angry for not being able to forget. angry for not being able to block you from my mind. angry for not being able to chase you from my heart. i hate the me i am now. because i promised myself to stop the messages. i promised myself to stop thinking. i promised myself to stop caring. i promised myself to stop. and guess what. i broke all of them. every time i thought i managed to get over it. you do or say something to throw me back to square one. there's more that i want to say. but for the first time. i don't know how to put them into words. [ if me being happy makes you happy. then i'd lie. till my teeth hurt and my eyes tear ] |
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